Zanny Rants Opinions, Thoughts and Commentary of a Baby Boomer Artist

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Episode One: The Beginning or “The End”

Recently I was convinced by my dear friend, Diane, (who, by the way, lives vicariously through me) to join an online dating service. Senior citizens can date too, right? What was I thinking and…. what a trip it’s been! This will be an experience worth chronicling!

My daughter came over to take a photo of me to put on my profile. “Smile, Mom!” she said. “I AM!” I replied. After many failed attempts, we settled on one of me sitting on the floor, wearing jeans and a knit top, barefoot. By her standing above me like that, my lovely turkey neck was diminished! She’s so smart sometimes!

I took writing the “about me” section very seriously and spent hours pouring over an in-depth and fairly accurate self analysis fit for sharing. I even ran out of room and had to modify the ending to fit their guidelines. Within days, however, it seemed quite obvious my wordy profile wasn’t being read, let alone appreciated. Before long, I had redone it to a concise 3 sentences. It read something like this: “Extremely independent artist seeks new model. Don’t bother winking as I don’t respond to winks. I promise I won’t attempt to drag you down the aisle and I won’t promise exclusivity after two chats!” I figured most of the viewers weren’t reading anyway, only responding visually to my endearing smile, right?

Initially, I was bombarded with many, many contacts, including tons of im’s from much younger men all around the globe! Didn’t seem to matter I had specified I was looking for someone 55 or older and within a 20 mile radius of my home. (Again, they don’t read!) I was truly amazed that the majority of these men felt I should only chat with them! Honestly. There was Anthony in New York who announced in our second chat he was madly in love with me and I would be his new wife. I told him to get a grip, that he was freaking me out and then I blocked him. There was Rocky, a 40 something military man stationed in Afghanistan. That was trickier as I certainly didn’t want to offend him in any way, but also let him know I’m not interested in men young enough to be my son! And there was the jewel trader from Florida, Michael. We did manage to have 4 or 5 lovely little chats, until he learned I dared to chat with other men too. He announced he doesn’t “double date” and promptly disappeared, never to heard from again! Very strange.

The first person I agreed to actually meet was a 74 year old fellow artist who attended a local sculpting group fairly near my home. Although 74 seemed a bit old to me, the fact he was an artist intrigued me. I made the mistake of agreeing to dinner for this first meeting. (Don’t do that! If you don’t click with the person, you’ll be stuck for hours as opposed to minutes over a coffee at Starbucks!) I drove to the restaurant and arrived before he did. Thankfully, I had opted to sit out on the patio (it was a gorgeous summer evening) as opposed to an inside booth.

Stuart arrived right on time, (I’m always early) and OMG! There is a particular smell that accompanies some “little old men”, and despite the fact we were outside, Stuart reeked of little old man. I don’t know exactly what it is. Do they just not do their laundry very often? Maybe you know what I’m talking about. Additionally, he had an enormous booger hanging off one side of his nose and funny little ear hairs growing wildly. He spent most of the time talking about how his ex-wife had done him wrong and how even his 19 year old daughter had disowned the woman. W-a-i-t a minute. A 19 year old daughter???? I resisted asking any questions about that timing, you know…was that an accidental pregnancy or did you want to father a child at such a late stage in life? It didn’t matter. I had already determined this would be our only meeting. He wasn’t impolite, or obnoxious. He just wasn’t someone I’d seriously “date”. Funny thing is, I knew that the minute he walked into the restaurant.

Chemistry, even at this age, is critical. Either it’s there or it’s not. You can’t pretend it exists. You can’t force it. You can’t wish it into being. I can’t explain it, but I know within the first 10 seconds whether it’s there or not. If not, the most we can hope for is a friendship. And that was the case with Stuart.

After dinner I politely excused myself, letting him know I don’t care to drive after dark. He walked me to my car, invited me to attend his sculpting group, which I declined, and announced he’d be in touch. Later that week, he did send an email. I didn’t respond.

So much for my first online dating encounter. Can hardly wait to see who appears next! I‘ll let you know how it goes as it goes. Stay tuned.