Janie and I have known each other for over 40 years now. We met when I was hired on as a teller at the bank. Even though we were both only 22, she was my boss. We became friends over the months, a rather natural development of having many of the same acquaintances from the bank. Over those early years we had some tremendous fun and laughter together: making day jaunts to the beach; car rallies in the mountains; sharing our sexual escapades; drinking parties at the local pub. It was a carefree, frivolous time in our lives and I look back now with the fondest of memories.

Eventually I married and moved away. We stayed in contact over the years, although our conversations became less frequent simply because our lives were so very different. She never married or had children. She didn’t leave the bank until she retired a few years ago. She never moved out of the city. Our circle of old buddies had disbanded and our commonalities grew fewer and fewer. I, on the other hand, had several husbands and countless jobs (most of them as a freelance illustrator), moving from state to state whenever the situation required, and I may never retire! Yet we spoke on a regular basis, occasionally for hours on end.

The fact our lives had grown in such vastly different directions didn’t matter. At least not to me. I believed she would always be there for me, as I was for her. And some part of me still wants to believe that, despite repeated and varied signs to the contrary. In recent years, I’ve noticed her response to me has changed. When she would travel across the state, including mountain passes, to visit her parents, I would call on her expected arrival date home to make sure she had a safe trip and would be met with words like “Ah……geez. I already have a mother, Zanny!” When I would ask for her opinion on some given project I’m working on, rather than offering any feedback, her response would be “I wonder what it is that makes you so need other’s approval.” Another way of saying “why are you so needy?” Often I would call and be met with the words “Oh, I just sat down to my dinner.” Another way of saying dinner is far more important than speaking with you? Perhaps these seem like small things, and they are, but when these kinds of demeaning messages are repeated often enough, well,….I’ve gotta say it’s no wonder I often felt worse for having called her at all! It became apparent I was mostly a “bother”. Finally now, after several years of this kind of abuse, I have had enough. I get it! I get the message. Enough already. I have not called for over 6 months, and neither has she. Doesn’t that say a lot!?!

Of course I still think of her as my friend, always will on some level. I hope that if either of us had an emergency situation arise, we would be there for each other. I will always want only the very best for her. However, I now believe that simply having known someone for 40 years does not necessarily mean it is one of those cherished and treasured true friendships.

I have no idea how many thousands of people I’ve met across the span of my life, but I recognize that true friendship is a special gift to be appreciated, nurtured and celebrated by both participants. I am blessed to have several true friends for whom I am most grateful. We speak often with enthusiasm, interest and support for one another. It isn’t necessarily a consequence of a blood connection or the longevity of the relationship. It is an inner connection, and as much as I’ve come to loathe the term “soul-mate”, it does seem to me it is a soul/spirit recognition of each other. Kahlil Gibran described it this way… “Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.”

Have you taken a look at your friendships lately to see if your spirit is deepened by them? If not, maybe it’s time for you to find some new friends, too.