The term friendship, like love, has myriad definitions. My neighbor is my friend, although we only wave politely and engage in small talk and banter as we haul in our trash cans. My sister is my friend, although we live far apart and have little in common. My fellow artists in the guild are my friends, although our conversations center around art. So how can you recognize a true friend and what defines the difference between a friend and a true friend? Who are those people you hold dearest to your heart and why? What is required to share a deep, rewarding friendship? I’ve recently been analyzing my friendships and how much I have invested in them; what am I willing to give and what am I getting in return?

Janie and I have known each other for over 40 years now. We met when I was hired on as a teller at the bank. Even though we were both only 22, she was my boss. We became friends over the months, a rather natural development of having many of the same acquaintances from the bank. Over those early years we had some tremendous fun and laughter together: making day jaunts to the beach; car rallies in the mountains; sharing our sexual escapades; drinking parties at the local pub. It was a carefree, frivolous time in our lives and I look back now with the fondest of memories.

Eventually I married and moved away. We stayed in contact over the years, although our conversations became less frequent simply because our lives were so very different. She never married or had children. She didn’t leave the bank until she retired a few years ago. She never moved out of the city. Our circle of old buddies had disbanded and our commonalities grew fewer and fewer. I, on the other hand, had several husbands and countless jobs (most of them as a freelance illustrator), moving from state to state whenever the situation required, and I may never retire! Yet we spoke on a regular basis, occasionally for hours on end.

The fact our lives had grown in such vastly different directions didn’t matter. At least not to me. I believed she would always be there for me, as I was for her. And some part of me still wants to believe that, despite repeated and varied signs to the contrary. In recent years, I’ve noticed her response to me has changed. When she would travel across the state, including mountain passes, to visit her parents, I would call on her expected arrival date home to make sure she had a safe trip and would be met with words like “Ah……geez. I already have a mother, Zanny!” When I would ask for her opinion on some given project I’m working on, rather than offering any feedback, her response would be “I wonder what it is that makes you so need other’s approval.” Another way of saying “why are you so needy?” Often I would call and be met with the words “Oh, I just sat down to my dinner.” Another way of saying dinner is far more important than speaking with you? Perhaps these seem like small things, and they are, but when these kinds of demeaning messages are repeated often enough, well,….I’ve gotta say it’s no wonder I often felt worse for having called her at all! It became apparent I was mostly a “bother”. Finally now, after several years of this kind of abuse, I have had enough. I get it! I get the message. Enough already. I have not called for over 6 months, and neither has she. Doesn’t that say a lot!?!

Of course I still think of her as my friend, always will on some level. I hope that if either of us had an emergency situation arise, we would be there for each other. I will always want only the very best for her. However, I now believe that simply having known someone for 40 years does not necessarily mean it is one of those cherished and treasured true friendships.

I have no idea how many thousands of people I’ve met across the span of my life, but I recognize that true friendship is a special gift to be appreciated, nurtured and celebrated by both participants. I am blessed to have several true friends for whom I am most grateful. We speak often with enthusiasm, interest and support for one another. It isn’t necessarily a consequence of a blood connection or the longevity of the relationship. It is an inner connection, and as much as I’ve come to loathe the term “soul-mate”, it does seem to me it is a soul/spirit recognition of each other. Kahlil Gibran described it this way… “Let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.”

Have you taken a look at your friendships lately to see if your spirit is deepened by them? If not, maybe it’s time for you to find some new friends, too.

POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE, IT’S ALL ABOUT ENERGY

A few nights ago I received a phone call from my very dear friend, Dana. It was late, 11:30 PM, but that wasn’t unusual. We speak almost every night around that time. What was different and alarming was that she sounded as if she were on her deathbed, literally! I could barely hear or understand her. I knew she’d been suffering for several days with a low-grade migraine headache, which had apparently escalated into one of those COMPLETELY debilitating, AWFUL episodes that knock you totally senseless. There is no way to describe the excruciating pain to someone who has never suffered through a full-blown migraine. It truly is debilitating! You really do become immobilized, and yes, even talking on the phone is damn near impossible.

Of course, I’ve never heard of anyone actually dying from a migraine headache. If that was all (I use the term “all” lightly here) Dana was suffering from, I wouldn’t have been so upset and concerned. But there’s so much more going on for her now. I call it total overload. Stress of every kind, including financial, emotional and physical. Totally overwhelming, soul-wearying overload. Feeling trapped and isolated, with no solutions appearing on the horizon. It’s the kind of overload that makes you question your very existence and it’s purpose.

Because we live in different states, there was really very little I could do to comfort or support her. I asked for phone numbers of someone, anyone, close-by who could bring her some Excedrin Migraine. (She had none.) She needed someone who could help manage the tremendous responsibilities of running an animal sanctuary. Eventually and reluctantly, she gave me the number of a friend she considers a surrogate daughter, followed immediately with all the reasons why this woman shouldn’t be called. After all, she had children of her own and it was late! DAH! OK, and…….you need help, my friend!

After ending the conversation, such as it was, I placed that phone call to the surrogate daughter. I got the answering machine, but left an “urgent” help request for Dana, leaving my contact information as well. Then I thought of another person who might be able and willing to be of some assistance in what I thought was a crisis situation, based on how Dana sounded.

His name is, for this story, Tom, although some (me, me, me) might say asshole is definitely more appropriate! This man first appeared at the animal sanctuary 11 or 12 years ago, showing obvious concern for the animals, but also a LUST for Dana! Initially, their relationship was very passionate, even sometimes romantic. During that euphoric period, she and I spent many hours trying to figure out this guy and his motives. Although he was married, he didn’t share a residence with his wife. He had little interaction or relationship with her and, yet, had absolutely no interest in or intention of leaving the marriage. Perhaps, we eventually concluded, it was a financial decision.

Over the years, he has remained an integral part of Dana’s life, although in my humble opinion, not a healthy one. The passion and romance have been replaced with bitterness and rage. Sweet nothings once whispered have become foul-mouthed, vicious personal attacks. I’ve heard about them for years now, although they’re something I’ve never personally been exposed to…. until the other night, that is! OMG…..

Tom has been a huge financial support for the sanctuary, giving many thousands and thousands of dollars, bringing hay and food (for both people and animals), clothing, blankets, and all kinds of necessary equipment. He has managed to make himself damn near indispensable to the operation of the ranch. THAT is his insurance policy guaranteeing my friend won’t just kiss his sorry ass good-bye, which I wish to God she could do. I understand she can’t right now simply because of the financial support he does offer. An unfortunate but true reality for her survival, as well as the hundreds of other lives for which she is responsible.

Initially, I called Tom to ask if he could please check on Dana and perhaps bring her some Excedrin, but within seconds of making my innocent enough request on her behalf, a torrent of extremely foul-mouthed, screaming, rageful accusations were hurled at ME, and anyone else who supposedly “supports” Dana and the animals she rescues. Quite honestly, in all my years and the many difficult situations I’ve experienced, I’ve NEVER before had anyone become so instantly and completely unhinged and out of control like that. (Have I mentioned vulgar?) I was floored, shocked, flabbergasted, and, despite my calm and polite demeanor, was totally unable to reign in this man’s nasty, vulgar hate and rage spewing. After listening to his barrage of attacks on everyone, I interrupted with a cold “Thank you, Tom.” Then I simply hung up the phone. Later, in hindsight, I wish I had challenged his resentment and anger more. Why didn’t I ask if someone was forcing him to be the ranch savior? Why didn’t I confront his need to lash out and his denial of assistance for Dana that evening? Perhaps because I was in shock. Or because I do have a basically non-confrontational demeanor. Or just maybe because some part of me knew it would only serve to enrage him further. And now it’s a moot point. I have no intention of EVER speaking to Tom again, about anything. (Notice I didn’t use the word never!)

It’s been several days since that whole incident occurred. Dana is feeling better, and in fact, called me the next morning sounding like a human being once again. The headache and accompanying nausea were gone. Thankfully! However, I am still upset and somewhat angry about the experience. Of course, my anger serves no purpose, but perhaps my writing will.

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I believe in energy…. that everything is made up, basically, of the same energy in different forms. Dogs easily pick up on the “energy” of people. They sense fear, anger, deceit. Things we humans are pretty much now desensitized from recognizing. It isn’t that we don’t have these same instinctual abilities, it’s that they’ve been trained out of us by society, religions, politics, advertising, big business……and on and on. Not only have we been dumbed down intellectually, but on a soul-level, as well.

There are some, however, who do cling to these inner knowings, believing in what the “unawares” might call silly or ridiculous. Things like “smudgings”, “cleansings”, or “energy clearing”. It is why some study and practice Feng Shui, understanding the significance of the energy created in a space by the use of color and the placement of furniture and objects within that space. Psychics read “auras”. Ghostbusters pick up on temperature fluctuations and sounds. It’s why some believe in the power of prayer and miracles. These are all about energy, both individually and collectively. It is why my thoughts for you , and yours for me, and our collective consciousness regarding the world DO matter.

Dana and I have been having an ongoing debate about this subject for the last few days. We have agreed to disagree. You see, my theory is that there is no way the angry, bitter, rageful energy Tom brings onto the ranch is NOT affecting the entire place….from the animals to the people, to the finances, to the success or failure of the operation. She does not see it that way. In her mind, she is now so used to his rage she has “desensitized” herself from it’s impact and he, therefore, doesn’t have much affect. I do understand that, and am glad she no longer takes his attacks personally. I understand that she has seen the best and the worst of this man, and is able to distance herself from that “worst” part. She also argues that it can’t be true if you don’t believe it’s true.

I think what I’m hearing is that if she doesn’t believe Tom has any influence on the energy of the ranch, well then, he simply doesn’t. I disagree completely! In my opinion, he does. I believe he cannot NOT affect the ranch. Oh sure, there are times when he may be on “good behavior”, when he manages to be polite, cordial, even charming. She may be anesthetized to his vulgarity and abuse, but the animals can feel it. Tom simply cannot dismiss, change or let go of the horrific inner anger he feels, even if he is on good behavior. Every animal on that ranch knows it, regardless of what either Dana or myself believes! It is, for whatever reason, part of the lessons he is here to learn, and until he transforms from the inside out, that kind of negative energy spills over to everything and everyone he touches.

Yes, I am glad Dana believes she is protected, and yes, I understand why she defends her position so vehemently. Yet, I continue to encircle her with white light daily, (my way of sending protection) as well as encircling the entire ranch and every living thing on it. I pray $2.25 million floods into her life immediately so she can free herself and the ranch from what I consider a very destructive (whether intentional or not) force affecting her life tremendously, right down to migraine headaches!

The days continue as usual for Dana, dealing with enormous responsibilities and the ongoing stress of life as an animal rescuer. We converse daily. The conversations rarely change. There is the constant influx of new animals, the constant need for more donations, not to mention the enormous amount of physical labor required that would overwhelm most of us. All I can do is be here to support her, without attempting to dictate how she runs her life or whom she allows influence in it, even if that includes Tom. It is sometimes challenging to keep my mouth shut! I would have kicked him to the curb quite some time ago. These are not my lessons to learn. I am an observer and a supporter only. But believe me, the next time she calls sounding as if she’s on her way out, I will be more selective in soliciting help on her behalf!

It’s called branding!

Just think about this for a minute. When you see a gecko now, what company automatically comes to your mind? Or what restaurant chain comes to mind when you see a ball with a triangle on top of it? Or how ’bout the waddling, talking duck?

It’s the power of association, I think. Doesn’t matter how stupid the image may seem on the surface, as long as it’s driven deep into your brain with repeated messaging, bingo! Mission accomplished.

So ok, maybe I shouldn’t be insulted, but instead learn to use the same technique to develop my own line of products, let’s say the Zanny Rants notecards! The trick is to find an image that is used on every single item, posting, t-shirt……whatever…. that is IMMEDIATELY associated with snarky Zanny.  I’m thinking maybe the image below speaks volumes. Anyone care to share your thoughts? I’m starving for some feedback.

Zanny Rants

At first glance, I thought I was just being overly sensitive and critical, but no. There’s more to it than that. It’s the way she portrays herself, and her life, as the ideal to be imitated if one ever hopes to be successful. ARGH. Here’s an example.

“Do you pray?” she asked.

“AHH…..what do you mean by pray?”

“You know, do you talk to God?”

“Oh sure, when I’m not swearing at him!” (That was a joke, but she didn’t get it.)

“Or how ’bout the Archangel, Michael? You should talk to him and tell him what you need. Ask three times and when your request has been granted, say thank you, thank you, thank you and release him so he can get to work for someone else.”

“Ah……ok. Sure.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Number one, since Michael is an Archangel, I’m quite certain he has very good hearing and asking once would seem to me to be sufficient. And, number two, since he is an angel, can’t he do more than one thing at a time? He needs me to “release” him???? This is sounding very hocus-pocusy to me.

Oh, but there’s more. As I said, we have little in common. I’ve been married and divorced more times than I’ll mention. She got married once, in her late forties or early fifties, and will probably remain married to this guy till one or the other of them dies. I have two kids. She has none. I don’t believe in organized religion, she is a “practitioner” at her church. (What is that anyway?) I don’t “exercise”, don’t eat right, and drink wine. She plays golf, goes for walks, eats health food and doesn’t drink alcohol at all. So you can see, we’ve chosen very different paths in this lifetime, which is really no big deal.

One thing we do have in common is that we each own our own business. I am, admittedly, that proverbial “struggling artist”, preferring to create something rather than market anything, although I do enjoy and am somewhat good at sales. When I mentioned this to her she said “Sales is not marketing and you never were any good at marketing!”  Well, thank you for that insight! I said I was going out the door again this week with my notecards, her response was “And how’s that working out for you?” Questioning my judgment, are you?

There are more examples of these kinds of subtle messages in this conversation, but you probably get the point. It’s no wonder I had to mentally reassure myself that what I’m choosing is indeed totally OK!!! So I’m not rich, or famous, or married. It doesn’t mean I’m less successful in any way than my sister. It just means she, obviously, thinks I am. The good news is I am not here to live up to anyone else’s expectations…and neither are you!

So, now what? Well……..here’s my thought tonight, and I actually believe I’ll stick with this one. It’s really what the goal was in the very beginning of this entire year long process. Just as the name implies…….rants! Daily rants. About anything and everything. Just because I can. And want to. It doesn’t matter if anyone reads the posts or not. I paid for the domain name, and the hosting, and what the hell. It can be whatever I want it to be. If nothing more than a place to express my thoughts, concerns, observations and daily frustrations/triumphs, then so be it. Hopefully, what I have to say will touch someone else, perhaps inspire (or at least encourage) another to share their experiences, as well. Afterall, we are all teachers and students simultaneously. Of course I hope others will engage, will offer their insights and experiences to the “comments” section, but…..if not, well, ok then. I’ll just pretend.

So off I go in the original direction I intended. Feels good. I like it. (Prostitution comes in many forms, you know!) I may still do an e-commerce site for the notecards, but it’ll be a new site. Not this one. This one feels somewhat sacred to me, not to be diluted. Nothing but rants and raves, sharing my stories and experiences, feelings, hopes, dreams and yes, fears.

Ranting about creativity

I say this rant is about creativity, and in many ways, it is. But it’s about more than that too.

Sure, it’s often nice to own lots of stuff. I used to, but don’t so much any longer. Since becoming an empty-nester, I find I require little “stuff” to make me happy and that, in fact, the clearing out process has proven very cathartic. Very freeing. It’s the less is more theory for me and now I care far more about creativity! Creating something, anything. It could be a website, a blog, a painting, a drawing, a business, or even a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization.

I’m certain my willingness to part with things so easily is, at least in part, a result of aging. Although I’ve never been wealthy or very materialistic, I’ve become keenly aware lately that all the things we collect in a lifetime  simply don’t  matter. They are so temporary. They burn down, blow away, get stolen, disappear in a thousand different ways. But it’s the contributions we make that count. I start every day asking  myself  “Today, what can I give, what can I contribute, what can I create?”

Because I am an artist, one of the easiest things to create is a pencil drawing. Although I do charge for my portrait work, I also have  found a way to give away my drawings through another blog I recently started: http://www.graphitegoddess.com.  It’s relatively new, but seems to be attracting an ever-growing audience. My hope is my art simply makes someone else’s day a bit brighter, or brings a smile to their face, or somehow enhances their day. It’s what I can give freely. A talent I was blessed with and love sharing.

So for today, consider what it is you can create, give, share. We each have unique and wonderful talents and abilities and sharing them is far more rewarding than going shopping for more stuff!

Yesterday I mentioned that I’d be posting this rant on “attempting”, or “trying“.  Years ago, I argued for the concept of trying. I don’t any longer. Now I am “in the process of learning” rather than trying. The bottom line is either you do or you don’t. You fail or you succeed, right? This was so simply illustrated to me when a now former husband threw a pencil on the table and screamed at me “Go ahead. Try to pick that pencil up!” Well, dah…….I got it instantly!  I’ve dropped the word try from my vocabulary now. So simple!

I love hearing from my friends and family, really I do. And in our conversations, I attempt to do more listening than talking, although I’m not always successful. (Oh wait…….I have a rant to post about that subject….attempting! I’ll post that one next.)

As much as I enjoy hearing from everyone, it always cracks me up when one of them ends the conversation by saying “I’ll let you go.” Let me see, you called me, we chatted. I listened, you talked, and then, when you’re done talking, you tell me you’ll let me go??? Ah….ok, and…..what if I don’t want to go? What if I’d like to actually engage in a true conversation, a two-way communication system? Isn’t saying “I’ll let you go” just a cop-out? A way to avoid taking responsiblity, perhaps. Why not say “thanks for listening and now I’ve got to go.”

I believe that learning to truly communicate with another requires awareness, practice, an interest in the other person’s experiences, and  a genuine desire to share. I’ve been blessed to have several such “communicators” in my life, but they are the exception rather than the rule. 

Start paying attention to the conversations you have and see if you find this to be true too. Granted, I’ve always had this insatiable curiosity and do love hearing other’s stories, and yes, I’m guilty of asking lots of questions, and no, I’m not really complaining that so many folks use me as a sounding board. (Hey, it’s good to feel useful.) Yet I do so appreciate a “good conversation” too. Actual two-way communication!